Mak pesan... 1

Mak selalu pesan,

"Belajar agama biar masa muda. Bila kita tahu, boleh amalkan apa yang kita tahu, boleh manfaatkan diri, boleh manfaatkan orang lain. Yelah, sementara kita masih kerja, masih kuat tenaga, yang sedikit kita tahu boleh cambahkan pada banyak orang yang kita jumpa, yang kita kenal dalam kerja. Kalau belajar agama bila dah tua, dah pencen, biasanya untuk manfaat diri sendiri. Tapi kita hidup bukan untuk jaga diri sendiri saja. Ada habluminallah, ada habluminannas..."

"Free" open day/activities in Tokyo

We are going to JAXA (Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency - the Japanized version of NASA) center in Tsukuba this Saturday, for an open day. I think it is going to be fun, for both parents and kids (we are going there with Fendi and Liya).

Anyway, for those who are interested in a day outing at JAXA center in Tokyo, the Open House of Aerospace Research Center is scheduled on 20 April 2008, more details could be found here.
While I am at this, might as well share other "Tokyo-for-free" stuff.

For those who are interested in visiting Ueno Zoo for free, there is no admission charges on March 20 (Ueno Zoo's Anniversary Day), May 4 (Greenery Day), and October 1 (Tokyo Citizens' Day).

Yokoso Japan is a site to check from time to time especially during Yokoso Month campaign (late January to end of February). Normally there will be two days of no admission charges to enter Tobu World Square and another two days for Nikko Edo Wonderland back to back. Information on these free open days (including bus from Kinugawa Onsen eki to these two theme parks) is never published on the respected sites, but could only be found out by checking on Yokoso Japan's site (different dates for 2007 and 2008, so no surprise if it is going to be different again in following years)

Then, there's the free , New Discovery of Akihabara tour, which would be a good option to do on Saturday so as not to miss the visit to Anime University (no visit on Sunday). There's also free guided tour of Asakusa on Sundays, available at Asakusa Travel Information Center, located conveniently just opposite the famous Kaminarimon gate.

And if museum is your cup of tea, you might want to try out Currency Museum in Nihombashi (opened on weekends), or Sumo Museum in Ryogoku (closed on Sunday, Saturday and public holidays), or Tsubouchi Memorial Theatre Museum in Waseda University (closed on lots of days - but one can always check the website for more information), or just visit Sannomaru Shozokan, in East Garden of the Imperial Palace (Kokyo Higashi Gyoen) which houses art treasures belonging to the Imperial family. The garden is closed on Mondays and Fridays. The Imperial Palace buildings and inner gardens are opened twice a year, for public appearances of the Imperial family members on January 2 (New Year's Greeting) and the current Emperor's birthday (for now, it is December 23).

Then, there are plenty of industry-related museums like TEPCO's Electric Power Historical Museum in Shibuya (closed on Mondays), or NHK Museum of Broadcasting, also in Shibuya (and closed on Mondays too). Odaiba/Shiodome area houses some interesting showcases too such as Panasonic Center, National Home Center and Toyota Meg@web. If you are a Ferrari enthusiast like my hubby, there's a former F1 model used by Schumi on exhibition at Shell Cafe Museum (closed on Saturdays) on the first floor of Daiba Frontier Building (the same building which houses Saizeriya restaurant, just next to Daiba Kaihin Koen eki on Yurikamome line). Or if you are in Shinjuku, maybe a drop at Living Design Center Ozone in Shinjuku Park Tower will remind you a bit of a trip to IKEA, only with more tasteful and stimulating exhibits.

If a stroll in a Japanese style garden is what you have in mind, then feel free to go to either Chinzan-so or New Otani Hotel. Ninomaru area in Kokyo Higashi Gyoen too has been maintained as an Edo Period Japanese garden.

Many are aware that one can visit the observation decks on Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building , better known as Toucho, for free. For different views of Tokyo, one could also give observation decks at Shinjuku Nomura Building and Shinjuku Sumitomo building a chance. Less tourists there, and no toy shop (like the one they have in Toucho, which could be a threat to parents with kids who would guling-guling on the floor unabashedly insisting on getting expensive toys)

Jue and Man in Kinugawa Onsen - the photos

Last full day in Japan...

Jue and Man in Yokohama - the photos

Day 3 - off we went to Yokohama, the second largest city in Japan

Jue and Man in Tokyo - the photos

Some photos taken on Day 1

Unexpected dose of unfriendliness

I don't know what was in my previous entry that drove somebody to write mean comments - in 4 different guises. Labeling me as 'kedekut', greedy, inferring all Malaysian government servants as corrupted beings without any concrete proof, topping it with some immature political biasness - it was rather shocking to see this kind of comments appearing in my blog.

Seriously, what gives?

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The ojiichan I met in the park - he had no idea whatsoever that I am a government servant, so no I don't think he would go around telling anybody how he had generously donated 10,000 yen to a poor government servant in a third world. Chances are he would be too embarrassed to share with his friends that he misses his own grandchildren so much that he tried to make do by presenting gifts for kids that remind him of them.

The 10,000 yen I received was on behalf of the children. Not like I greedily accepted it too - I was hesitant in accepting it, but he insisted. But honestly, I see no wrong in accepting his offer - I asked around, and lots of people agreed with me. I didn't ask for it, and there was nothing attached to it. It was something like receiving 'duit raya ' on behalf of your kids from a kind stranger... What is so greedy or kedekut with that?

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For some reason I despise people who make baseless assumptions about other people's state of finance. When I was in high school, I heard dorm-mates whispering behind my back about how 'kedekut' I was with my crackers/biscuits.

What they didn't know was that my father was declared bankrupt when I was in Form 2, and it took quite some time for our family to recover. For a long while, Mak had to walk a kilometer away to board a bas mini to work, a big change from driving her own car to work, and she was in a quite senior position back then. I was given a pittance for monthly allowance, thus I looked forward to volunteer going to canteen for the seniors in my dorms - because that was the easy way for me to get a treat from the canteen using the tips, instead of using my limited pocket money. When I was in form 4, I was happy to be made a co-opian, as it also meant I could earn some extra pocket money (or rather buy stuff without using my small allowance).

Back then, I wore mostly hand-me-down garments from Mak out of necessity - Mak needed the money for other more important stuff, like paying bills, school fees and what nots. Due to our differences in size, I always had to make some 'alterations' to the waistline of Mak's kain sarong - once the sarong even 'melorot' to the ground but quickly re-put to normal condition in the evening prep class. I was not a brat - but sometimes I wished that I could wear stuff that are tailored made just for the (then) skinny me instead of risking wearing a sarong that might 'melorot' to the floor any time...

So, yes, while I admit that I was pretty stingy in sharing my crackers/biscuits, it was not because I am 'tahi hidung masin' by choice, but rather because I could not afford buying lots of crackers/biscuits, and I didn't feel like sharing with others about my family's financial situation back then. Looking back, I realize now that I should have just went ahead and shared what little I had. Might be tough for a teenager who got hungry frequently, but it might had spared me from hearing people saying stuff like - 'nama je anak orang Kampung Tunku, tapi biskut pun susah nak kongsi' when they didn't know the real truth. It hurt - and for a teenager who already had a tough time at home, it hurt pretty bad.

I still don't like discussing my personal state of finance or my savings or anything - but kindly note that we live frugally in Tokyo for a reason. I wouldn't cycle when I was in my third trimester nor would I take a bus when I was in my second confinement week (after Humaidi's birth) for Huzaifah's 18-months check-up for no good reason... Just because I am in Tokyo on paid study leave, please don't start making assumptions that I 'have a lot of savings'. It could be far from the truth, just like the assumptions my unsuspecting dorm-mates once made about me...

Unexpected doses of kindness and compliments...

1. Kamarol told me that when their Farhan was still a baby, Ija and he received 1000 yen from an unknown obaachan they met on a train. They used the money for an ice-cream treat. Then, last year, Mak told me that Huzaifah received 500 yen from an unknown obaachan when Mak, hubby and Huzaifah went for an outing in Mother's Farm (while I was still in the hospital after giving birth to Humaidi).

Well, to add another story to 'encounters with Nihonjin grandparents who miss their own grandchildren and give money to unknown children instead', yesterday while waiting for hubby snapping some 'hanami' photos in Sumida Koen, an elderly gentleman played with Humaidi (Huzaifah was asleep at that time) for some time, had a brief chit-chat with me, before telling me that he would like to give my kids some small token, as according to him, it is customary to give small gifts for small kids around here. To my surprise, instead of a 1000 yen note as I thought, Kitanaka-san handed over a 10,000 yen note. That never, ever happened before - to be given 10,000 yen by a total stranger who we met briefly in the park... Rezeki anak, alhamdulillah...

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2. Scribbled on Marroad International Hotel Narita, a note from a couple I helped guided while they were in Tokyo read:

"Assalamualaikum

Dear Azra,

We were touched with your hospitality & kindness. Here is some small token from us. Call us at 56****11 once you're back in Malaysia

(signed)
Mohd Hatta K.Zuraidah"

Enclosed in the envelope was two 1000 yen notes. Some would consider it tipping, but I'd rather think of them as hadiah for my two kids.

I was touched by getting an old-fashioned thank you note. I don't know about others, but snail-mail notes and cards are getting more difficult to come by for me nowadays...

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3. Helped Kak Ita for a short while with another Malaysian group of tourists for a short while. This group comprised mostly pakcik and makcik who are not very confident of ascending or descending the stairs without holding onto the rail. One makcik could not see properly even after going through eye operations for 4 times, her husband is having heart problems, numerous others are diagnosed with age-related problems such as hypertension and diabetes, and a few have to rely on walking canes. There are only 2 young persons in this group, both of them assisting their respective mom. One of them happened to be my ex-schoolmate too (MIO hasn't change that much too Zarin. Perhaps just like Ida,Basya and Firouz haven't change that much...)
I was surprised to find out Pallette Town to be their first stop in Tokyo. While yes, Toyota Meg@Web and Venus Fort could be unique in that you won't find anything like them in KL, at 10.00 a.m. the place was still closed. Yet, some makcik and pakcik were already busy looking for places to buy some drinks to take their medicine with. The well-to-do had no qualms entering Starbucks, but there were some who had their doubts, so I showed them the hot drinks section in ampm, next to the Starbucks.

Within the few hours I was with them, I found myself assisting one pakcik who wanted to buy stamp and send a letter to his former student in Chiba, answering some questions regarding Tokyo and Odaiba, requesting the management at Tokyo Camii to let the elderly makcik-makcik to use the men toilet on the ground floor so that they could be spared from going down to the basement floor to use the ladies, assisting the makcik in ascending and descending the stairs, in particular the makcik who could not see well. Alhamdulillah this group is not expected to board any normal train during the rush hours - they would be touring Tokyo-Hakone on bus, take a shinkansen from Hamamatsu to Kyoto, back on bus in Kyoto-Osaka area before boarding the plane back to KL from Osaka. Personally I don't think many of them could handle being in a super-crowded train during peak hours.

Anyway, even at 30-something with two kids, it is still flattering to overhear some pakciks referring to you as someone they would like to "buat menantu". It is even more meaningful when these pakciks later found out that they actually know your parents, and even attended your wedding a few years back. I guess when one says "boleh buat menantu", it is a compliment for both the person and his/her parents...

Jue and Man in Tokyo part 3

I told Jue that she could make really interesting blog just sharing her experience in Japan. Once I met a foreign correspondent in Japan, and he said that they have to be transferred to new places after 3-4 years in a particular area, so that their journalistic could be re-sharpened and not dulled by familiarity with any particular area.

And I have to admit that maybe after living in Tokyo for more than 2 years, I've gotten too familiar with how things are being done here that they fail to amaze me anymore.

Like how clean Tokyo is even without having lots of rubbish cans.
Like how lots of Japanese will go out of their way to assist if they are asked for help.
Like how good it is to have a street clean of cigarette smoke since smokers only smoke in designated smokers' area.
Like how one actually doesn't need to know that much Nihonggo to enjoy touring in Japan, as one could get by with knowing some Engrish phrases - so it's not toilet, but toi-re, not escalator, but es-ka-ree-ta, and not elevator, but e-re-bee-ta...
Like how difficult it could be to get halal food when one could not read Japanese (and in the end they stick to buying what they bought when they were with me - Van Houten cocoa, Calpis, Pasco Sandwich bread etc)

Jue and Man too now have first-hand experience of rushing to change trains, carrying the stroller up and down the stairs where there was no escalator/elevator to be found in the eki, and walking a few hundred meters back to the mosque after they'd missed the right bus stop, not once but a few times (they dozed off in the bus, and yes, it could take ages to reach Higashi Asakusa from Tokyo eki by bus)

Main point is - they had an interesting family vacation, and I am really glad to form part of it...

Jue and Man in Tokyo part 2

Jue, Man and lil Husna returned to Malaysia on 1 April. Went to Narita , carrying two boxes as they didn't have enough space to put everything in their one large suitcase. They came here with a total of 32kg baggage, half of it probably were the stuff they brought for us, yet returned to Malaysia with 30kg of baggage, the supposed to be empty spaces filled up with souvenirs they bought here in Japan.

On Monday both Man and Jue got to realize their 'hajat' to visit Tobu World Square and take a stroll in Ginza - no prize for guessing which of them wished for what. It rained in the morning of their last full day in Japan, making them rather hesitant in determining what to do for the day. Although we all woke up early, and I had already prepared breakfast/lunch even before 8.00 a.m., we didn't reached Tobu Asakusa eki until about 11.48 a.m., when Man finally said he would very much like to visit Tobu World Square despite the cold weather, or even light snow as it was predicted earlier.

The girl behind the counter at Tobu Travel Service asked us if we could visit Kinugawa Onsen on any other day, and I replied that my guests would be returning to Malaysia the next day. In order for us to be able to enjoy the theme park longer, we were advised to board the Limited Express Spacia (extra 800 yen for each person), since we had just missed the normal Rapid train . Man quickly agreed, so we found ourselves seated in Spacia 10 minutes after he bought the ticket, and arrived in Kinugawa Onsen at around 2.00 p.m.

Tobu World Square and Edo Village are both opened for free on certain selected days during Yokoso Japan campaign period (late January till late February) It was during the free open day period when Hubby and Che Lee's family went there last year while I was still pregnant with Humaidi and busy attending a one-week Winter term intensive course in Waseda and could not join them. Hubby consoled me back then, promising to have another visit this year during the free period, but both of us forgot all about it and only realized it when the free days were already over. Zannen datta. So for those who are interested in spending a day or two in Nikko/Kinugawa Onsen in late January/February, try googling "Yokoso Japan campaign", to find out more about these 'free open days' offer as it is only announced on Yokoso Japan website, but not on Edo Village or Tobu World Square websites. Otherwise, you could opt to buy a Kinugawa Onsen Theme park pass at Tobu Asakusa Travel Center like Man did. The 2-days pass covers normal train fare from Asakusa-Kinugawa Onsen, unlimited train rides within Nikko-Kinugawa Onsen area, unlimited bus rides within Nikko-Kinugawa Onsen area, and entrance ticket for particular theme park. The pass costs 4000 yen for Tobu World Square, 6000 yen for Edo Village, and 7200 yen for both World Square and Edo Village.

Alhamdulillah, the sun was shining amidst brief light rain in Kinugawa Onsen. Had a quick foot dipping in hot spring rest area right in front of the station, before we kelam kabut rushed to board a bus going to Tobu World Square (I wore my socks properly only after we were on board)

Man concurred with hubby who opined that while the theme park is not that big, it could be rather fascinating to feel like Gulliver for a short while as we 'traveled' from one 'continent' to another. My camera's battery went kaput when we were in still in 'Europe', so for the rest of the 'travel', I had to rely on Man's camera. Since hubby had a lot of pictures of the replicas, Man took more pics of us rather than the replicas - "gambar bangunan nanti cilok yang dah ada je lah". We only had less than 3 hours to rush though the whole theme park, in order not to miss another Limited Express train back to Asakusa. Jue who had passed by Ginza three times without stopping would really like to take a stroll in the upmarket area. On the way back, we had to pay extra 1000 yen each to board the Limited Express as 800 yen is the 'special price' if we had bought the Limited Express ticket together with the discounted Pass, like we did in the morning/noon. Oh well...

Right after we arrived in Asakusa, we quickly rushed to 100 yen shop not far from Kaminarimon for last minute souvenirs shopping before we boarded the Ginza line subway to Ginza. By the time we reached there, most shops were closing - it was a little past 8.00 p.m. But Jue was satisfied with having a chance to take a stroll there. Having already visited Harajuku/Omotesando and Roppongi areas, Jue at first thought that there would be nothing new to see in Ginza, but she was delighted to take in the sight and sound of Ginza. I remembered Mak insisting on buying us cake and tea in Ginza two years ago when she was here visiting together with my brother and two aunts, all because she wanted us to 'experience' Ginza. There's something very classy in Ginza - the people more well-dressed and less rushed than in other parts of Tokyo, the architecture of the buildings more upscaled, and there were some interesting advertisements unseen in other parts - like the white-against-black/black-against-white light show on Chanel building.

To entertain Jue's wish to have a picture in Ginza, we decided to have dinner there and recharge my camera's battery while dining. Jue was thinking of having nan and tandoori for the night, but the only halal restaurant I knew in the area was Rasa, a Malaysian restaurant. I have never been there personally, so only when we arrived there we realized that there is a Pakistani restaurant 4 floors below Rasa. We decided to ask if they serve Halal meat - and yes, they only serve halal meat there, or so we were assured by the 'concierge' who greeted us as the elevator's doors were opened. So we had our dinner there - and Man insisted on giving me a treat, just like they insisted on paying for my fares.

I almost left the battery and the charger in the restaurant but Jue who could not wait to have her photographs be taken in Ginza reminded me of them as we stepped out of the elevator on the ground floor. So we went up again to retrieve both the battery and charger, and quickly had another round of stroll down Ginza street, happily snapping here and there.

Personally I think Jue and Man came at the best time - when they could still play with snow in Karuizawa, yet also enjoy hanami in Tokyo. We took the earliest normal train to Narita Airport from Ueno, passing by lots and lots of sakura trees lined in parks and near rivers, giving Jue a final chance of enjoying the cherry blossoms from the train.

I finally bid farewell after they had checked-in their luggage, giving Jue a tight hug, kissing a sleeping Husna softly on her forehead. Till we meet again my friend - kalau ada rezeki maybe we can give you a visit in Switzerland - otherwise we'll meet again in 2010 after you are done with your MA, insya Allah...

Jue and Man in Tokyo

Well, it's been more than a week since Jue and Man arrived in Tokyo.

Due to some traffic problem encountered by Che Lee on his way back from grocery shopping, Jue and Man had to wait for about an hour in Narita airport before we arrived there. I quickly assisted them with phone rental and changing their exchange order to get JR Rail Pass.

Side note - we had been receiving visitors daily since Thursday, 20 March 2008, which was public holiday in both Japan and Malaysia - for being Spring Equinox day and Maulidur Rasul respectively. Hubby had been invited to give a Maulidur Rasul related ceramah in Ichikawa Ono (more about this could be read at HE's blog). In early Thursday morning, there were Kak Yan and Tuan Syed Nahar from Aoyama who joined us to be picked up by Rosli to go to Ichikawa Ono. When we returned, there was Hafiz from Iwate waiting to meet hubby. Friday noon we received Faizal and his wife Aishah-chan, a Nihonjin Muslim revert. Friday evening, Fary came with her mom and her brother's mother-in-law. It was amazing to learn that Fary's mom actually knows hubby's family members while her besan knows my mother. What a small world, eh?

Anyway, back to Jue and Man. They came bearing us lots of goodies - Malaysian stuff that would cost a small fortune here in Tokyo. They even brought us a packet of Ramly burger, woohoo. The burger sold at halal shops here doesn't taste as good and they get 'benyek' very easily. Jue even brought Acuvue monthly disposable lenses for me - which is not available in Japan. Here they either sell the daily or 2-weekly variations. Apart from that, I finally got my hands on Sophie Kinsella's "Shopaholic and Baby" as well as Sis Zabrina's "Life is an Open Secret" - thanks so much Kit dearie!. And not forgetting Pokcik and Kak Mai who sent us some traditional kuih (I have no idea what it is called - but Pokcik said it comes from Kedah), dodol and jeruk. Honest-to-goodness miscellaneous jeruk all the way from Penang which made me cried out in delight the instant I saw it. Hehehe. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Okay, okay, back to Jue, Man and their little cutie Husna (who was born a month after Huzaifah, but could now pass for someone a year older than Huzaifah due to her bigger size and ability to talk). In the past week, they have

• made lots of changes to their over-ambitious earlier schedule, making it more feasible.
• been to Imperial Palace, Roppongi, Akihabara on Day 1 (I have to miss a meeting with blogger Lina at blogger Kak Ani's place since hubby could not play tourist guide for that day, having other mosque-related commitments.)
• spent a day in Universal Studio Japan, Osaka on Day 2 without taking too many photos since Man forgot to recharge the camera's battery the previous night
• been to Yokohama on Day 3 but scrapped earlier plan to visit Hakkeijima Sea Paradise on the same day. Bought 1 Day Ticket (450 yen) for Minato Mirai subway line, covered Yokohama eki area, Minato Mirai 21, Chinatown, Yamashita Koen, missed the opening hour of Anpanman Museum, rode the Cosmo Clock (a big feat for Jue who normally suffers aeroacrophobia or 'gayat' as Malays call it) in Cosmo World, and were treated to several sing-a-song-while-preparing-orders sessions as they enjoyed their "Mint Mint Chocolate Chocolate Chip" and "German-chokolatekake" (while I devoured my "Romancing the Cheesecake") in Cold Stone Creamery.
• been to Shinjuku Gyoen for ohanami, Oriental Bazaar in Harajuku, took a second trip to Akihabara and dined in Malaychan in Ikebukuro on Day 3.
• had some 'escapade' episode at Tokyo eki on Day 4 when they realized at the last minute that they have boarded the wrong train to go to Maihama, where Disneyland is situated.
• gone to take a peek at Jom Makan (Malaysian Kitchen franchise in Tokyo) in Daikanyama, only to find it already closed for the day after an exhausting day in Disneyland. I know it is probably not patriotic of me to say this - but after my one experience in Jom Makan, personally I wouldn't recommend it to others to go there... (Chances are, despite not being an accomplished cook, I could serve more authentic and better tasting Malaysian food at home...)
• been to Kyoto on Day 5, but only achieved half of their earlier-set ojectives. Disappointed to realize that some part of Ginkakuji was on construction after they have already purchased the ticket there and had to give Gion a miss because their daughter Husna was not feeling well by the time they were boarding the shinkansen back to Tokyo.
• shopped till they almost dropped in Kichijoji, and experienced panaromic view of Tokyo at night in Tochou (Tokyo Twin Tower) in Shinjuku on Day 6. Passed by Ginza for the second time (the first time on Day 3) and Jue had resolved to have a stroll in Ginza at least once before they return to Malaysia

It's been an interesting week. They are in Karuizawa today, to enjoy some time in snow and maybe do more shopping too in the nearby outlet.

While they were in Tokyo on Day 3 & 4, they have been very generous to let hubby and I used their JR Rail passes for 2 days , and we in turn had taken the opportunity to have a touch-n-go tour around Kansai on Wednesday followed by a day tour in Hiroshima/Miyajima on Thursday. Thanks to Jue and Man, hubby and I had our first shinkansen experience - and not just once, we boarded 5 different shinkansens all in all.

Yes, while it was tiring to travel with two knapsacks and two kids (and one of them an extremely active 2 1/2 year old toddler who could get really cranky at times), hubby and I had heaps of fun too. Many thanks to Ghazali and Fiza for their warm welcome when we stayed overnight at their place in Higashi Hiroshima.

Ghazali picked us up from Higashi Hiroshima eki at around 11.00 p.m., long past his normal sleeping time. Fiza insisted on us having late night supper (dinner was more like it) and when we woke up the next day, not only had she prepared breakfast, she also made extra nasi goreng and sandwiches for our bento. On top of that, both Huzaifah and Humaidi were presented with a t-shirt each (Huzaifah insisted on wearing his new t-shirt for 2 consecutive days and refused to take it off despite my many pleas). May Allah bless them for their generosity...

Like us, Ghazali and Fiza are returning to Malaysia in September, so we look forward to strengthening the silaturrahim that began here when we go back home, insya Allah.

Tokyo DisneySea

I am too lazy to write a proper entry, so I'll just let the photos speak for themselves...

Minggu murah rezeki...

The week started well, with an invitation for a housewarming kenduri in Miyazakidai, an hour away from Asakusa. Hubby and I didn't sleep the whole night, as we waited for the Malaysian twelfth election's results. It was a long busy night - attending to numerous phone calls, instant messages, surfing the net, getting and feeding information. And what a night to remember... Finally the persons I endorsed for won their respective seats even without my personal vote. Heh.

Hubby and I were so tired in the morning after, so yes, the invitation for a small feast of nasi tomato, ayam masak merah, ayam masak kicap, kari daging and kek pisang was certainly most welcomed. Never mind the long trip - Huzaifah and Humaidi hadn't been out for quite some time due to my worry in exposing them to pollens, so yes, it was good to have a family trip somewhere without having to prepare nasi goreng in advance for a change.

Tuesday saw me receiving a parcel from Malaysia containing 2 batik blouses and 1 long batik sarong suitable to be used for solat. Thank you my dear old friend. That was very nice of you and please don't hesitate to let me know if you would like to get you some suitable souvenir from Japan in exchange, okay?

Wednesday, March12th, was hubby's birthday. A quiet day - we didn't even celebrate it with a cake, and I didn't get anything for him yet. The year before last, it was a Lego model of Ferrari, and last year it was a huge (and quite expensive) remote-controlled Ferrari. No, we still can't afford the real thing, so I thought of getting him a little something later as a belated birthday present. Poor guy checked my blog on his birthday, perhaps expecting some loving wishes - and found none. I do love you more with each passing day, and sorry for my lack of effort in making the day more memorable apart from cooking bifstik (not proper beef steak, mind you, mine is the version meant to be eaten together with rice, as 'lauk') and ehem, being a little naughty. He he.

Thursday saw me assisting Kak Ita, a tourist guide, handling a group of Malaysians visiting Tokyo for the first time. I had some reservations at first whether or not to join Kak Ita, but hubby encouraged me to go ahead and help. Kak Ita after all was not very familiar with Tokyo Big Sight or Meg@Web, so she said it might help to have someone more familiar with these two places around.

So I played tourist guide for a day - a big difference from playing tourist, of course. For once, I had to answer lots of question on what to eat ("tempura is made from veggies and seafood, not meat", "ebi furai is fried prawn in breadcrumbs", "the Turkish restaurant in Nagoya and Indian restaurant in Kanda that you went to serve halal food although they also serve liquor in the premise","anman is Japanese version of pau kacang"), became instructor of Nihonggo crash course on important phrases ("takasugi, iranai", "hokani iro/saizu arimasuka", "toire wa doko desuka", " e ikitai, oshiete kudasai", "ima doko desuka", "denwa bango oshiete moratte ii desuka") and had to consult friends here and there to ask for information on behalf of others (and in the process found out trivial stuff like in Tokyo, apart from the Ueno eki branch, there is another Hard Rock Cafe in Roppongi) No, I kid you not, someone actually wanted to know how to ask for a girl's phone number in Nihonggo. In fact the guy actually hit on two kawaii Nihonjin girls, using Kak Ita as simultaneous interpreter, which got the girls giggling all the way from Daiba to Shimbashi on Yurikamome line. A Malay kakak asked him - "nak cakap apa kalau pun dapat phone number?", to which he confidently answered, "tahulah orang nak ayat macamana". Ha ha.

Anyway, at the end of the day, the leader of the group asked me if I would like to join them again for a trip to DisneySea on Saturday. I quietly explained that apart from having to ask for hubby's permission first, I also felt that it might not be fair to ask him to spend another day home alone with the two kids . I thought that might discourage them from pursuing the matter, but the next thing I knew, the leader announced to the group that he would like to invite this "kakak yang tolong guide kita hari ini dan suami sama" to join the trip to DisneySea and for the group to help sponsor both of us. And to my surprise - they agreed. Just like that. Yeayyy... Okay, so Ihave to play tourist guide for another day, but given that I've never been to Tokyo DisneySea before and have been planning to go before returning to Malaysia, to be offered an "all-expenses paid for" trip was really cool.

And as if all these cool stuff were not enough, today I just found out that I got an A+ for the subject I took last semester, alhamdulillah. "International Journalism" was among the classes I enjoyed tremendously, and I thought my final report might deserve an A, so A+ came as a very nice surprise. No, I am not a straight As student, but along the way I've learned that I do well in courses listed under "International Society" and "Human Capital and Organization" groups. Now, if only I'd realized it sooner I would have taken more subjects under these two groups than those listed under "International Relations" group...

And to those who might wonder how did I fare in my PTK exam in December - alhamdulillah, I passed with Aras 3, for both kompetensi umum and kompetensi khusus. Although I am glad that I do not have to repeat the papers, I'm still unsure whether the result is an apt measurement of my real competence as a PTD officer. Oh well...

Will update more on Tokyo DisneySea later, insya Allah.

Pemilih hadir yang tidak hadir

Sorry for not updating for quite some times - lately I've been a keen follower of the Malaysian election fever from afar, reading all kind of stuff online, watching all kind of videos (on you tube) and I must say that this election is really, really something. Unfortunately, I won't be voting this year, which should have been my third time, and the first time as a postal voter.

I've been a registered voter since 1997, but I didn't register as a postal voter ahead of time, so after asking around and being told that registration for postal voters was closed ages ago, I thought there goes my chance of being a postal voter. Then, last Monday, after stumbling onto a few blogs, I realized that I still had a chance to be a postal voter by filling out Borang A and submitting it to SPR before 27th of February, 72 hours after nomination day (24th February). I called the Embassy and was told by the guy in the Consular section that yes, I could come and pick up Borang A, but I have to send it to SPR by myself.

Hubby was supposed to be teaching in Ichikawa Ono that day, but I asked him to cancel the class, and let me go and pick up this Borang A in the Embassy instead. He was feeling rather groggy too, so he agreed to look after the boys while I go to Shibuya. Mind you, when I realized this, it was already 2.30 p.m., and hubby suggested me to go pick up this Borang A the next day - but I insisted to get it done and over with sooner rather than later.

So off I went to Shibuya - cycled as fast as I could to Asakusa eki, boarded Ginza line subway, read "The Real History behind the Da Vinci Code" while passing all 19 stations to Shibuya, and practically ran to board a Transee bus to Daikanyama which stopped next to the Embassy. By the time I reached the Malaysian Embassy, it was 4.15 p.m. and the guard dutifully informed me that the consular desk is closed for the day. I explained that I was not there on matters regarding visa, but the election. (I didn't know the word for 'election' in nihonggo, so I said 'election' ala Japanese Engrish style which sounded, ehem, "erection" - while keeping a very straight face). The guard made a few calls until I was finally greeted by some guy from the Consular desk - after I asked to meet the head of Consular since the guard seemed so reluctant to let me in. By then it was already over 4.20 p.m.

Turned out the guy who let me in was the very guy who had answered my queries earlier, so he quickly got the Borang A for me. I asked if I could take more than one form to be distributed to my friends (hubby planned to postpone his class to the next day, Tuesday, when it was still possible for those who had their name on the electoral roll to register as postal voter and hubby would be meeting a lot of friends who hadn't register as postal voters), and I was given the whole form pad, consisting 13 forms, and 3 small slips containing SPR HQ address, where the form should be sent to.

I dropped by Redha's office at the Human Resource Department. He was surprised when I told him that I was there to pick Borang A up to register as postal voter, apart from some other HRD related business. Apparently, he was told that the registration was closed in October 2007. I told him that I've read on several blogs that those whose name is on the electoral vote could still register as postal voter, by filling up Borang A and sending it to SPR.

I fall under the three categories of Malaysian citizens living overseas who are allowed to cast postal votes under the Election Regulations (Electoral Roll) 2002 and Election Regulations (Postal Votes) 2003 - which are military personnel, students, staff of embassies and high commissions and their spouses. Malaysians living abroad who fall outside these categories cannot cast postal votes for God-knows-what-reasons. Didn't make sense to me that some are more equal that others regarding this matter, but I also believe that it might be good to abolish the postal votes system altogether. It's more amenable to both fraud and manipulation than voting at polling places, it depends too much on the reliability of the postal service, and there's concern on the use of absentee ballots - or so claimed those who are against postal voting.

Anyway, I quickly filled up Borang A right after I reached home, filling in the blanks by referring to my ballot details as they appear on the SPR electoral roll online. Tuesday morning, on which day this piece of news appeared in NST (when it was already too late for most to act - but who says SPR has ever been really effective in disseminating valuable information), I was busy trying to call SPR HQ. Could not get through, so I tried calling up SPR Kedah instead, where I was supposed to vote. I could hear the operator's voice clearly, but she could not hear me back, and she hung up on me, all five times I tried. I was confused on what to do - since it was too late to courier the Borang A back home to reach SPR in time, I was hoping to just fax it, but I needed to know to whom should I fax it so that my name would be printed as "pemilih tidak hadir" and not as "pemilih hadir" on the ballots.

As it happened, in between making calls, I chatted with a friend who is accompanying her husband doing PhD overseas. She said that both her and her husband are not voting as postal voters even though they are both registered voters.

"But why not? Surely it's important to vote. It's a responsibility that we might be queried about in the hereafter?" (yes, I personally take my voting duty very seriously, not just a moral obligation, but also a religious one)

"Dear, don't be so naive. How reliable is the postal vote system? A friend of mine voted in 2004 for the opposition, but when she and her husband waited patiently for the counting of postal votes at her constituency - none of the postal votes went for the opposition. Something was wrong - both her and her husband's votes had been tampered with somewhere"

"But the officers here in the Embassy seem like decent people with integrity who won't tamper with ballots...I trust them..."

"Okay then, go ahead and vote and do let me know how it goes after that..."

What my friend told me scared me and put me in a dilemma. I believe in voting. I want to vote - but I do not want to risk my vote being tampered with. I didn't mind balik kampung to cast my ballot in Kedah in the past two elections, but I am not rich enough to buy an air ticket to return to Malaysia solely to ensure that my vote is all mine and not tampered with in any way.

I suddenly found myself reluctant to be a postal voter, yet I also do not want my ballot to be used up by some cheats or phantom voters. What was that again - I don't have to worry about phantom voters because of the usage of indelible ink? Oh, but I have heard that SPR is going to introduce some form, allowing people to be excused from using indelible ink. (SPR scrapped the whole plan of using indelible ink at the eleventh hour after so much hypes and everything) Chances are, the dead will rise and the phantoms are going to be there, so what now?

Some friends finally suggested me to ask my family/acquaintances in my polling station to alert the polling and counting agent that I will be here in Japan on the polling day, so that they can issue a protest if anyone come up and use my ballot paper. I might not be able to cast my vote, but at least I can ensure that my vote is not being used by anyone else. Hmm, not the best option, but at least it ensures that nobody is taking what is legally, rightfully, exclusively mine - my vote.

I have since asked for help around and it seems like I might have found my way out - to be a "pemilih hadir" who is definitely going to be "tidak hadir" and noted so in advance by some polling and counting agent. A friend who had registered as a postal voter in Japan, but found his name listed as "pemilih hadir" in his hometown, has also taken similar option. (Funny to note that his wife - who registered as postal voter the same time he did, was listed as a "pemilih tidak hadir" aka postal voter... hmmm...)

To be honest, in the past, none of the people I voted for with exception of one, has actually won. But who knows, maybe without my vote the people I endorsed from afar might win this time around...

Still for those who are on the electoral vote and could vote - please do so. In Huzir Sulaiman's words -

"And even if you claim not to like a single one of the candidates in your constituency – which is entirely understandable, given that political parties of all sorts are occasionally obliged to distribute seats based on loyalty rather than competence, or indeed sentience – there will always be one candidate very slightly better than the others: the “least worst”.

Please vote for the least worst. Doesn’t Malaysia deserve the least worst, at least?"

Happy voting!

Okinawa Islamic Cultural Center and Mosque Project

Our Muslim brothers and sisters in Okinawa are now seeking financial assistance to build a multi-purpose Islamic Cultural Center with a built-in mosque.

The Muslim community there are looking into the possibility of getting a suitable site in Nishihara town. They have so far managed to collect about 200,000 yen, yet the first phase of the project, a mosque with a parking lot, is estimated to cost about 44 million yen.

Reasons for needing a place of their own?

• In order to be approved as a full religious body in Okinawa-ken, they should own land or a building or both land and building.
  
• The Muslim community there is diversified with international students, foreign residences, workers, American military, Japanese, etc , so they obviously need bigger space than the current Culture Room in Ryukyu Dai which they borrow occasionally.
• Double larger place is required for Jumu'ah and tarawih
• Triple larger place is required for Islamic school activities
• Four times larger place is required for Eid
  

In line with the hadith "Whoever builds a mosque, desiring thereby Allāh's pleasure, Allāh builds for him the like of it in paradise", I humbly urge all who could, to please donate to:

Postal Bank
Name: Okinawa Islamic Cultural Center
A/c no: 17010 224981

or

Bank of Okinawa, Ginowan Branch
Name: Okinawa Islamic Cultural Center
A/c no: 1391831 (SWIFT/Routing code: BOKIJPJZ)

For more information, as well as buy-haiku-book-and-donate-to-the-masjid opportunity, you can contact Kak Lela. No, she didn't ask me to post this entry, but since I already wrote one for Niigata Masjid Project, I figured why not give some publicity for Okinawa too, it's all fisabilillah, and I being an Imam's wife, know first-hand how difficult it is to get donation for a mosque here in Japan.

Al-Fatihah

Really appreciate if you could join in making do'a and reciting Fatihah for an ex-collegemate, Zaimirawati Ramli aka Atie who passed away recently.

Atie bravely fought lymphoma cancer for four years.

I was not close to Atie, but can't agree more with Ms Anita's description of Atie being "sweet and humble"...

Here's praying that she will be placed among those blessed by Allah...

#####

(and this nasyid goes for Atie's surviving friends...)

Kau Sahabat Kau Teman

performed by Hijjaz
song & lyrics by Munif Ahmad

Telah tiba saat waktu kau tinggalkan kami
Kerana takdir yang Maha Esa telah menetapkan
Sedih rasanya hati ini bila mngenangkan
Kau sahabatku kau teman sejati

Tulus ikhlasmu luhur budimu bagai tiada pengganti
Senyum tawamu juga katamu menghiburkan kami
Memori indah kita bersama terus bersemadi
Kau sahabatku kau teman sejati

Sudah ditakdirkan kau pergi dulu
Di saat kau masih diperlukan
Tuhan lebih menyayangi dirimu
Ku pasrah diatas kehendak yang Esa

Ya Allah,tempatkannya di tempat yang mulia
Tempat yang kau janjikan nikmat untuk hamba Mu
Sahabatku akan ku teruskan perjuangan ini
Walau ku tahu kau tiada di sisi

Perjuangan kita masih jauh beribu batu
Selagi roh masih di jasad hidup diteruskan
Sedih rasa hati ini mengenangkan dikau
Bagai semalam kau bersama kami

Moga amanlah dan bahagia dikau di sana
Setangkai doa juga Fatihah terus kukirimkan
Moga di sana kau bersama para solehin
Ku sahabatku kau teman sejati

Don't believe everything that you read in the paper.

This is what the paper claimed. That Malaysia ranked 6th in the world competitiveness for countries with a population of more than 20 million, and that we ranked better than the UK, Germany, Japan and France.

This is what was found direct from the source.
Even if one takes a closer look at the ranking of nations with more than 20 million people, Malaysia has been placed lower than Germany and UK.
And there's not much to be proud in being ahead of Japan in this - Japanese are very meticulous but they love their paperwork too much.
Too much paperwork and lengthy procedures = inefficient = less competitive .

And this is the past 5 years ranking.
We dropped from 16th place in 2004 to 23 in 2007.

Talk about dropping - have anyone noticed how badly UM has been performing lately?
If one follows the THES - QS World University Ranking, UM was ranked 89th in 2004, 169th in 2005, 192nd in 2006 and 246th in 2007.

This piece of info, of course, was blacked out from appearing in mainstream media.
Ah, but then, what can one expect from the country's mainstream media, when we had been ranked at 124 in the Worldwide Press Freedom Index 2007? Even UK and US ranked 24 and 48 respectively, supporting those who claim that there is no 'real' press freedom anywhere in the world, but Malaysia's rank has been falling, and that is a cause of worry because free media is
part of a healthy democracy... Isn't it?

Yuki 2008

It snowed last Saturday in Tokyo, the fourth (or was it fifth?) time this year. Since Tokyo doesn't get much snow, I kind of enjoy it every time it snowed. Both my kids also love to gaze out of the window at the falling snow - and as cliche as it sounds, falling snow is kind of magical. Very mesmerizing.

Anyway - it's been some time since I last posted an entry and I promised some friends that I am going to post merrier entries, so I guess sharing some pics of yuki might be a good place to start. We didn't get snowy Chinese New Year in central Tokyo, but I heard that it kept snowing in other parts of Kanto, not to mention the rest of Japan. I am grateful that I get to realize a small dream of building a yuki daruma at the top of the mosque. I was too lazy to build a big one - so it was just a tiny one that do not deserved to be called a snowman. A snowbaby maybe. Heh.



I am also sharing some pics of us taken in Karuizawa, Nagano... Went there by car courtesy of Zafran and Shima. Hubby and Zafran had their first experience of putting on snow chains to car tyres. We had to stop twice after that to adjust the snow chain back to the tyres, but after the second stop the chains were in place and we made it to the Prince Ski Resort safe and sound, alhamdulillah. It goes without saying that Zafran was driving oh so very carefully and slowly and we were often overtook by other cars (with snow tyres, and thus could drive at higher speed than 50 km/h)

The ski resort is conveniently located very near to Karuizawa eki, and for those who are into retail therapy, there is a huge retail outlet centre just next to it - 4 complexes that took ages to finish browsing even if one is just there for window shopping. The price were reasonable - Timberland boots and shoes were slashed down by 40% off normal retail price, and Coach handbags were on sale at 50% off normal retail price. Huzaifah had a great time at Lego outlet - he refused to leave the play area in the store that we had to 'pancing' him out by enticing him with a Bob the Builder Lego set. We didn't actually buy it though - which caused him to throw a tantrum all the way back to the car - so later we bought him a small tractor at 100 yen shop to make up for it. The thing is Huzaifah has lots of playing blocks at home but he doesn't really know how to appreciate them as he loves unstacking more than stacking, so we figured it might be better to wait until he's a little older before buying a Lego set.

Under different circumstances, I might had enjoyed the trip more - but since we went there just a few days after I lost my little one - I tried to keep myself warm by staying more in the heated cabin for those who want to take a break than being outside. The ski resort was filled with lots and lots of people and while they have Kids Area, there was no secluded area where we could build private snowman - like we did in Urasa last year. To his father's disbelief, Huzaifah who enjoyed sledding last year, even refused to sled more than twice - but he enjoyed other stuff though. Humaidi is too young to really enjoy playing with snow, and we didn't bring any snow/waterproof outfit for him, so he like me, spent more time inside the cabin than outside. (Huzaifah was not wearing wellies too - which might explain why he didn't want to play in the snow for too long)

It was good to see people laughing and enjoying themselves. It was getting too depressing to stay at home, thus I quickly agreed when hubby asked me if it was okay to go to Karuizawa so soon after what happened. A change of scenery could help, and for me it did. Despite the cold temperature of the ski resort, the smiles and laughters of people sledding, skiing, snowboarding and the bright blue skies with flecks of white clouds here and there - made me felt a lot warmer than being in Tokyo with its (then) dull gray weather.

Some points on what not to say to a mother who has miscarried

I would like to thank all who have let me know that they care - be it by the internet, the phone or in person. I appreciate it all, but for some reasons or other – I’ve decided not to reply to any comments left in the previous entry.

It was a difficult entry for me to write. I’d thought of quitting blogging when my miscarriage happened, and on better days, I’d thought of posting happier entry, but I never could do it because somehow it didn’t seem right. I felt like I needed to honor my lost little one before I could move on.

I now understand why some of my friends who had gone through miscarriage(s) withdrew themselves. It could be hard talking about it, and some cope by putting it behind and not discussing it at all. Personally, I thought blogging about this might help, so I finally did it last week, in a corner of my school’s library – after lots and lots of failed attempts at home. Baby Humaidi is most attuned to my moods and feelings – I could not write it at home because I could not cry when Humaidi is near or else he would start crying too. And yes, I cried buckets while writing the previous entry. It’s not easy to stop once I started – because suddenly I started grieving not only for my lost little one, but for all moms who had lost a child…

It was while I was writing when Emi came up and asked “Are you okay? You don’t look too good”, to which I just blurted out, “Ryuzan shicattan da…”

Emi’s response was spontaneous – she immediately hugged me and whispered “I’m so sorry to hear that…” After she let me go, she grabbed my hands tightly and made me promise to give her a call if I ever need someone to talk to, to go out with or anything. “I’m here and we can always arrange something if you want me to accompany you to go out or something. You might need a break from your kids, so call me, okay?”

That coming voluntarily from a second year MA student who is in the midst of her thesis writing was very comforting. That was also the first real hug I got from a girlfriend in real life although I’d gotten lots of virtual hugs before. It felt good. It felt warm, and Allah knows I could do with a lot of warmth right then when coldness was clenching my heart.

I got my second hug from a girlfriend not long after that when Aya-chan stopped by to ask how I was doing. Again – “I’m sorry to hear that,” followed by a quick hug. Neither asked me how it happened, neither tried to say more to comfort me, but sometimes less is better – and their hugs worked really well.

In this horrible experience, apart from supportive and sincere friends and strangers who have helped me through this healing process, I have also come across some insensitive remarks coming from those who might have meant well, who might have thought their innocent comments might provide comfort and hope, but that is not always the case.

A friend said that he thought I would be glad not having to cope with another baby right now. Overwhelming emotions instantly filled me – shock, disbelief, hurt and fury. I felt like giving him a tight slap right there and then, but I quickly put my temper under check, looked at him right in the eyes, and sternly told him, “Yes, I thought I was not ready to get pregnant again. Yes, I thought I was not ready for another baby yet. But no, how could I be happy with losing a child? Miscarriage is not something one could be glad about. A baby is a gift of life. I might have thought of not getting pregnant as yet, but when I realized I did, I would have done anything to carry the baby to full term. I would have welcomed the baby with arms wide open. I would have loved the baby no less than I do my two kids. So, don’t tell me that I could not afford another baby right now – I would have gone through any difficulty for a baby. A baby is not a difficulty, a baby is rezeki”

I hope he will remember never to say anything like that to anyone who has miscarried ever again.

Yes, I am aware that this is Allah’s test, and that He will never try me with something beyond my ability to handle. But I also think it might help if others try to acknowledge that a mother’s grief is real, to acknowledge that a baby was lost. It does not matter whether a lost child was 10 days or 10 weeks or 10 months old, inside or outside the womb; each loss is unique, so please do not try to invalidate one’s feeling by telling her that what she’s going through is nothing compared to others who had gone through ‘bigger’ challenges. It’s hard to truly understand what mothers who have miscarried go through unless it has happened to you, so please try not to make them feel worse than they already do by belittling their loss.

So, unless you were the one who had gone through multiple miscarriages, it is also not acceptable to tell someone who had just miscarried “oh, but it happened to our friend ABC 3 times and XYZ went through it twice.” What is the point exactly – trying to scare someone who just had a terrible experience by reminding her that it could happen again? (Note: this is different from sharing that you have known one or two friends who had gone through multiple miscarriages and admitting your own insecurities due to being surrounded by friends and family members who had miscarried... I got mad at those who belittled the feeling of loss, not at someone who tries to empathize)

And while we are at it – I think most mothers who have just miscarried also do not want to be told that we will get pregnant again, or that we will have other children. Yes, it might be true, but it does not really help to make the grieving mommies feel better about the one they have just lost. Another child could never replace the one they have lost – if you are a parent, ask yourself is another child could replace the one you have right now.

I know that some might feel stuck, not knowing what to say or how to react when wanting to offer support or comfort. Yes, miscarriage can put one in a very awkward position. I think generally it is safe to say you are sorry to hear about the loss, to offer your help in any possible way and if permissible, to give a hug. Offering your prayers could mean a great deal too - at least for me, it does.

I asked my hubby “where did our little one go?”, and not being an expert in fiqh, he said he doesn’t know. A lot of Islamic scholars ruled that when babies with ruh died – those who had been in a mother’s womb for 4 months or more – they go to heaven, to wait for their parents there. So what about babies that went away before they were breathed with ruh? Mak Jang gave me the most comforting answer – “You just have to be strong and patient. Trust that Allah will take good care of the baby. Allah will never desert the faithful”. Mak Jang had had a miscarriage herself (not two, as I first thought), losing a pair of twins, and had provided some tips on how to cope.

I don’t know how long it will take to heal emotionally. It has already been three weeks, and while I’m a lot more stable nowadays, there were weak moments here and there. Friends and aunts who went through it told me that there would be moments that I might falter again and again, so I, as well as hubby, must learn how to brave it.

I am sorry if this entry sounds harsh here and there, but there were moments I felt like screaming at others, asking them not to keep telling me the same thing over and over again too. I just hope that this will help stopping them from making similar mistake in the future. Nevertheless I would like to express my gratitude and thanks to all who have been very supportive with their prayers, kind words of support and encouragement. I know everybody mean well and I really appreciate the concern. My personal support system has been great – my family, aunts and cousins, especially my cousin Hafiz who is studying medicine in Melbourne and some friends I felt like talking to. Special thanks to Kit, who cried for my baby like she was grieving for her own, and thank you Kak Lela for teaching me the word ‘ryuzan’ or otherwise I wouldn’t know how to explain my condition to the doctor.

Farewell my little one

My dear little one,

It had been two weeks since you were gone and to be honest, up until now, I still don’t know exactly what to answer when someone asks me “How are you?”.To have something changed drastically so fast, so soon was something no one expected. One day I was happy because I thought I was getting my period after one month miss, and the next I felt so crushed when it turned out to be a miscarriage. Awal Muharram suddenly took a whole new meaning for me...

My dear little one,

I was shocked and angry at your father when he uttered “tu lah, Haida tak nak baby, baby pun tak nak la (hidup)…” right after I cried out for him to help decide what to do with this big blop thingy that suspiciously resembled a fetus sac in the toilet bowl. I was angry at myself for not making sure whether I was pregnant or not right after I missed my period. I was angry that I ignored the movement I felt in the tummy during the long 110 meter sliding experience in Kodomo no Kuni when you must had been 8 weeks old. I was in denial of my pregnancy because despite the missed period, there were no other signs and symptoms – no nausea, no vomiting, no heightened sense of smell, no nothing. I should have known that something was wrong then, but I didn’t pay much attention to it. I never thought it was going to cost me a heartbreak.

My dear little one,

It hurts so much to lose you. I never thought how one miscarriage that others often see as a minor incident in life could hurt this deeply, but now I know from experience. It hurts even when this is not my first pregnancy, even when we are not exactly trying for a child right now. I can’t imagine how it must had been for first time mothers or those who had to undergo several miscarriages. For me, it was not that terrible physically – a bad cramp on Tuesday night, a mild tummy ache on Wednesday night followed quickly by the release of that greyish blop, with lots and lots of blood clots. But when I went for a check-up, and the doctor showed me an ultra sound scan image of a 10 week old fetus, I felt so sad. Instead of looking at the blinking heartbeat on the ultra sound scan monitor, I had to look instead at the remainder of your short presence in me on the monitor. The little placenta tissue left in the uterus. I felt as empty as my uterus. I felt hollow – physically and emotionally.

The night I had my miscarriage, I kept tossing in the futon, unable to go to sleep. I was so afraid of so many things. I was afraid that you had been a girl and I would never get a girl again due to my carelessness in taking care of you. I was afraid that you were gone because I expressly told others that I am not ready for another child right now, what with your brother Akif being so young and my thesis yet to be finished, and 1001 adjustments that need to be made when we go back to Malaysia. Was it because I took a long walk? Was it because I drank parsley tea and ate pineapple to induce menstruation when I thought I was late a month ago? Was it because I had been carrying your brothers more often? Was it because I am not eating right? Was it because I am not taking enough vitamin and supplementary food? Was there something wrong with my genes?

I was afraid that your father won’t forgive me for not making sure of my pregnancy and to take better care of myself. I am still scared now – of so many things and of so many possibilities. I am scared if the next period will bring back memories of seeing the blop and gory. I am scared that I might not be able to get pregnant again. But I am also scared to get pregnant again now I have been through a miscarriage. It is so confusing, I feel so bewildered and for a while I lost ability to express my thoughts clearly. Your father thought that I was killing time by playing those word games, that I should have spend more time on my thesis rather than playing Text Twist or Bookworm Adventure or Scrabble Rack Attack or Scrabble Blast (yes, I am a word games junkie). He didn’t know that for a while I have just lost my ability to think straight or even to think at all. On the outside I looked okay – but the depth of the sadness, the grief inside – was just too difficult to explain.

My dear little one,

Your father is grieving differently than me. He was the one who buried that blop the size of two adult fingers I could not flush down the toilet that night. He was the one who had been passionately praying daily for the safety of both the mother and the baby he highly suspected I was carrying. It had been difficult for him too, he had been crushed as well, but in different ways. Perhaps it’s difficult for him seeing me so depressed that prompted him to instruct me to snap out of it by reminding me that a lot many other women went through this and they were fine. He was right. Ayah's mother, your own Nenek had experienced giving birth to stillborns not once but twice. And miscarriage episodes are not new in my family too – your Tok Nyah went through it twice, so did your Tok Tam and Tok Jang. All three of them plus your Tok Su who, like me, experienced miscarriage at 10 weeks gestation, had went through the dreaded D&C. I must admit that it was a great relief to be able to consult not one but various sources among my own aunts when it happened to me. I was relieved too that I didn’t had to go through D&C even when my miscarriage was incomplete, instead just prescribed with Methergin for uterus contraction and to stop the bleeding.

My dear little one,

You will never be forgotten. Others have survived their grief and in time I will too, but I will never forget you. Your Tok Nyah told me that I should not be blaming myself. I had went through successful pregnancies with your brothers with pineapple eating and staining involved. I had walked longer when I was pregnant before than the walk I took the night before I lost you. Pregnancy loss can strike anyone and even doctors could not really tell why. Perhaps you were not a feasible fetus and hence you just discharged yourself from me. Sources on the internet claimed that about 15 – 25% of all pregnancies ended in miscarriage usually before 13^th week gestation. I am just one in every 4 or 5 pregnant women. It was sad that we have to say good bye before I even acknowledge your presence inside me. But as much as part of me died when I lost you, I have to live and keep being stronger for your brothers.

Your father has been lending me lots of strength lately. And in many ways that they may not know themselves, so have your two brothers. Your brother Ujai’s enthusiasts in singing ABCs, Ichi Ni San or Alif Ba Ta could always make me smile. Your brother Akif’s repeated attempts at standing on his own and walking by himself remind me to keep on trying to be positive in life. As much as I am aware that children are only gifts on Allah’s loan that He might take back anytime He wants, for the moment, they bring me joy, they make me smile, they make me laugh. And laughter and joy are quicker healers than tears and grief. I learn that celebrating bits of joy – like buying ice cream for others since I could not enjoy my number one comfort food during this ‘pantang’ period or joining your brothers making noise by the window as they excitedly enjoyed the falling snow – does not dishonor losing you. That tug you gave me once in Kodomo no Kuni was a sign that you too must had enjoyed the laughter and joy your brothers and parents shared then.

Farewell my little one.
I love you.
I will always do.

Happy New Year

My first post in the new year - it's already maghrib here, so makes that for both Gregorian and Hijri calendar...

So, what's up huh?

During the two-weeks new year break, apart from what I'd written in previous entry, I 'd managed to

• finish reading "Judges & Jury" and "London Bridges" by James Patterson, "The Broker" by John Grisham and "Number 10" by Sue Townsend. I know, I know, I should be reading academic books, not story books, but old habits die hard and all that...;

• take advantage of New Year bargains offer to buy Kose Sekkisei stuff for myself, a pair of glasses for hubby, as well as won a small Kaeru-chan toy for my baby and an "Ai Nori" mug in two separate lucky draws. "Ai Nori" is a Fuji TV reality-show involving a "love wagon" which goes around the world, and when they were ready, players were supposed to ask one player of the opposite sex who they were interested in, to return with them to Japan. Some ended as happy couples, some left devastatingly alone, and some simply retired after being in the game for some time without finding anyone they could be interested in.

• visit Asakusa area on New Year. It was already after Asar - so it was quite surprising to see the line for people to enter Sensoji (one of the oldest temples in Tokyo area) was still very long (think about 500 meter) and growing. The place was still crowded, most of the shops on the main streets closed, the streets opened only for pedestrians and we took some pictures in the middle of the usually busy main street a'la "ini jalan bapa kami yang punya" style. I should have not been that surprised though, after all most Japanese only pray once or twice a year. There were plenty of Christian missionaries all over Sensoji neighboring areas, both nihonjin and gaijin, holding placards urging people to learn more about the eternal life of Jesus, the death of a savior, with loud speakers repeating some recorded messages about Christianity again and again. I told hubby, maybe we should suggest to AMIR or IPIJ to invite those who are free and their Muslim nihonjin friends to come and distribute brochures about Islam too in this crowded area next year. There is so much that we still need to do to right the misperception most nihonjin seem to have about Islam and Muslim, and maybe we should learn a thing or two from those Christian missionary who stood up all day long holding their respective signboard.

• visit the Imperial Palace on January 2 (the only other day the Palace inner ground was open for public was on December 23, the Emperor's birthday). Very tight security. Do not bring any liquid in cans or plastic bottles - they had to be thrown away or else you will have to keep your bag in safe keeping at a counter manned by police officers. I was first asked by a young lady officer to either finish up or throw the content of feeding bottle for my baby. I tried persuading my baby to finish the bottle up; but another elder gentleman officer said that it was okay to enter with the bottle still half full, since baby might cry without his bottle. Oh, and no plastic container of any kind - the police inside the palace compound checked on Humaidi's toy twice to ensure that it was just a toy and not some explosive or something. Those with baby stroller and wheelchair get privileged treatment - so even though we were rather late, we were ushered to the front line. Hubby who wanted to take a better shot of the Emperor's family exchanged place with Faizly who had been manning the other stroller for a while just so he got to be on the front line. Granted, the Emperor is not my king, and I earlier thought that the place would be crowded with old people who are known to be more loyal to the Emperor than the younger generation - so I was surprised to see lots and lots of young people - singles, in groups and with families, all together chorusing "banzai" and waving the Japanese flags (freely distributed before we entered the security check area) oh-so-proudly and happily right after the Emperor made one of his hourly appearances and gave ultra-short new year greetings speech that day.

• visit Palette Town in Odaiba after the visit to Imperial Palace ended. Oh, we had a long, long walk that day... and Faizly must be very exhausted playing baby sitter for the kids while the parents berhoga-hoga, especially at Toyota Mega Web. I tried out the rally racing simulator machine and oh my - it was really difficult to handle compared to real life driving. Despite the "gelong-gelong macam mabuk" bumpy ride, I managed to finish it before the 3-minute-limit was up, so was pretty satisfied (it took a 30-minute wait after all). Hubby asked me to join him entering the simulator theater - and it was much, much better than trying out the simulator machine. No dizzying experience, and we managed to have a 'feel' of how one racer overtook not one, but four cars, to emerge the winner of the competition. Huzaifah had some fun in Venus Fort, very much mesmerized by the ever changing sky scenes - from twinkling blue and green stars in a dark-dark night, to the yellowish evening sunset and clear morning sky. The only "down" side to the trip is that dogs were allowed to be unleashed in the first floor of the mall. It's not that we don't like dogs, it's just that we have to go through some hassle of special cleansing ritual if the dog lick us, or if wet dogs make contact with us. When I was in UK, I really hated it when a dog suddenly appeared in front of me and the owner would casually say "It's okay love, he won't bite, he just wants to play...", always made me felt like replying - "I don't care if your dog wants to play - but I can't, okay?"

• watch all 17 episodes plus "the making of" Korean drama "Coffee Prince". I don't usually watch Korean drama, but my cousin Firdhaus loves them, and had in the past influenced me to watch "Full House" and "Wonderful Life". Zyrin's musings on "Coffee Prince" kind of prompted me to watch it - and yup, I enjoyed it. I still sometimes hum to the tune of the song the lead hero sang over the phone to the boyish-looking heroin (believably so too, unlike the heroin in J-drama Hana Kimi who still very much looked like a girl) just before they were supposed to be apart for 2 years.

Okay, now that the holiday is over, I should be concentrating on my thesis now. I mean, seriously...
Oh by the way, Kit, thanks for your do'a (winks).
Note to Kak Lela - "ada masa cecair merah yang dikeluarkan oleh jasmani wanita boleh menjadi tanda gembira, dan saya telah mendapat petanda itu! Syukur, alhamdulillah..."

Happy New Year 1429 Hijriah to my Muslim readers
May it be a better year, and may we be blessed by Allah always.